It's about to get a bit deep in here, Throwing out the feels.
Posted: Wed Nov 13, 2013 4:51 pm
So a lot of stuff has been weighing on my chest, and I don't really have anybody to talk to, so I'm going to post here for whoever is willing to read it, this community has always been pretty chill, so I figured at least one person will be willing to listen. It's a bit personal, to most of you I'm a complete stranger, but there's a few who know me from chat.
To start this out, my name is Andrew, i'm a freshmen in college, eighteen years old and trying to get by. Seems pretty typical, but every situation is always a bit different. There's a lot of things I could go on about, and I'm not really sure where to start, so I'll start with my home life. A little over a year ago near the beginning of my Senior year in high school, my grandmother passed away. She meant a lot to me, so her passing hit me pretty hard, I did what I could to stay strong and stayed very stoic whenever I was around my family during the funeral. I still carry a picture of her in my car, it sits taped to my sun visor, she's was always there when she was alive, and in a way she still is now that she's gone. When it came to her will, that is when things started changing drastically in my life.
In my grandmothers will she gave the house to my father, as we all knew she would. The problem was that I was finishing high school, getting ready for college, and the house was a state away. One night a few weeks after the funeral my dad called me from my room to talk to me. He was taking my brothers, and they were all moving to my grandmothers farm, I was staying in Indiana alone. That was big news to me, my father trusted me enough to let me stay in his house alone. I was incredibly excited for a while, it was going to be an amazing amount of freedom. It was fantastic for a while, I got to hang out with friends, have friends over, be with my girlfriend whenever.
After high school ended it all went downhill though. My girlfriend Katie was a grade below me, so I was going to be starting college while she was still finishing high school. We had feelings for each other, it was a good relationship, and we were together for almost 2 years, but everything fell apart after I graduated and started spending a lot more time dedicated to school, college is a lot more work and waaay more time consuming than I expected. We ended up splitting up about 5 months ago, and it's still hard for me to think about.
Being alone isn't something I do very well, and bills were getting harder, so I got a room mate for a couple months, he was a good friend of mine. It was a lot of fun, and it was nice having somebody around to talk to and hang out with. Eventually it just stopped working out, he was a slob, and it kept getting worse, so I had to ask him to leave, I tried to talk to him about it, but it never worked, things were still horribly disgusting if I didn't go to clean it. So he left, and my house is clean now, which is nice, but I'm alone again.
Being alone depresses me, depression runs in my family, my mother is dangerously depressed, on the verge of being put away due to suicide watch and all those fantastic things. It was so bad at one point, she called me during my junior year saying she was going to kill herself, i was in the middle of class. My teacher heard the phone go off, decided it would be good punishment to make me put the phone on speaker, embarrass me in front of the class so i stopped bringing my phone to school. Everybody got stone faced silent when my mom started talking, she had taken a bottle of pills, and was killing herself that morning. My teacher sat there in stunned silence, when my mom hung up the phone on me, all he did was apologize repeatedly. I picked my phone back up and called the police and sent them to my mothers house. After i finished the phone call with the cops, I sat back down in my seat and told the teacher to get back to the lesson. I knew she was depressed, but nothing like that. I kept a tough face at school, but when I got home I broke down hard. It was a lot to handle at the time, now it's very hard for me to admit it, but I don't care anymore. Over the past two years my mother has said and done so many horrible things to me and the people I care about and has used her suicide threats as a crutch to get away with it. I recently got into a fight with her after she accused Katie "my ex" of some incredibly outlandish things, like getting multiple abortions and whoring around, and a few other things that are completely impossible. After that fight she realized that i don't care about her death threats any more. Since then she has straightened up her act and realized that I have lost all my respect for her, she will lose a son if she doesn't fix her attitude. I suppose that's a small up point in this entire post, I kinda sorta fixed things with my mom.
Things have been pretty grim, the depression from being alone has sunken in so bad, I spend most of my days buying booze off of my older friends, skipping classes and drinking myself into a stupor. I only drag myself out of bed to go to work. I haven't been to class in over two weeks, I'm failing multiple classes, things are bad, and I realize it, I just don't have the willpower to do anything about it anymore. Going to a dead end fast food job is the only highlight of my week, the people there are pretty cool, I'm friends with a couple of them, but we all live so far apart we don't see each other outside of work.
That pretty well sums up my home life and most of why I'm depressed. There's a lot of stuff to write about my relationship issues, so I guess I'll just keep going and cut some stuff out for the sake of space. So there is a girl, lets call her Lynn for the sake of anonymity it's a small world and you never know.
Well I first met Lynn 5 years ago, and things were pretty good, we obviously liked each other, we even kissed a few times. I didn't think much of it at all at the time, it was a summer break crush. We stayed in contact every once in a while, and we became really close over the next couple of years. We were never single at the same time, so nothing ever came of our relationship. We both knew we like each other, and any person who ever spent time around the two of us has said they see us getting together. The feelings are mutual, but it's just a very weird situation that's incredibly hard to describe because I don't fully understand it myself. We are both committed people to the relationships we keep. She currently has a boyfriend, so we don't currently talk a whole lot. Back when I was dating Katie, we split for a couple weeks near the beginning of our relationship and Lynn wanted to date me at the time cause for a couple weeks we were both single, me being the idiot that I am, got back with Katie because I was terrified of being alone. I was to stupid to realize that I actually had a shot at being with Lynn for the first time. yeah I liked Katie, but Lynn has grown so close to my heart over the years, she is the first one in my heart, and always was. I never fully realized it until recently when a friend of mine was talking to me about it all.
So that's the short version of it all to be honest. I guess if you want to know more just ask, I don't really have a lot to hide. I spend all my time watching streams to at least have some kind of noise and people to talk to, which is why I spend so much time here at the cohhlition, everybody is great and nice. So i guess that's why I'm posting this, so hopefully somebody will at least read it. I just needed to throw it all off my chest for a bit, at least a little.
To start this out, my name is Andrew, i'm a freshmen in college, eighteen years old and trying to get by. Seems pretty typical, but every situation is always a bit different. There's a lot of things I could go on about, and I'm not really sure where to start, so I'll start with my home life. A little over a year ago near the beginning of my Senior year in high school, my grandmother passed away. She meant a lot to me, so her passing hit me pretty hard, I did what I could to stay strong and stayed very stoic whenever I was around my family during the funeral. I still carry a picture of her in my car, it sits taped to my sun visor, she's was always there when she was alive, and in a way she still is now that she's gone. When it came to her will, that is when things started changing drastically in my life.
In my grandmothers will she gave the house to my father, as we all knew she would. The problem was that I was finishing high school, getting ready for college, and the house was a state away. One night a few weeks after the funeral my dad called me from my room to talk to me. He was taking my brothers, and they were all moving to my grandmothers farm, I was staying in Indiana alone. That was big news to me, my father trusted me enough to let me stay in his house alone. I was incredibly excited for a while, it was going to be an amazing amount of freedom. It was fantastic for a while, I got to hang out with friends, have friends over, be with my girlfriend whenever.
After high school ended it all went downhill though. My girlfriend Katie was a grade below me, so I was going to be starting college while she was still finishing high school. We had feelings for each other, it was a good relationship, and we were together for almost 2 years, but everything fell apart after I graduated and started spending a lot more time dedicated to school, college is a lot more work and waaay more time consuming than I expected. We ended up splitting up about 5 months ago, and it's still hard for me to think about.
Being alone isn't something I do very well, and bills were getting harder, so I got a room mate for a couple months, he was a good friend of mine. It was a lot of fun, and it was nice having somebody around to talk to and hang out with. Eventually it just stopped working out, he was a slob, and it kept getting worse, so I had to ask him to leave, I tried to talk to him about it, but it never worked, things were still horribly disgusting if I didn't go to clean it. So he left, and my house is clean now, which is nice, but I'm alone again.
Being alone depresses me, depression runs in my family, my mother is dangerously depressed, on the verge of being put away due to suicide watch and all those fantastic things. It was so bad at one point, she called me during my junior year saying she was going to kill herself, i was in the middle of class. My teacher heard the phone go off, decided it would be good punishment to make me put the phone on speaker, embarrass me in front of the class so i stopped bringing my phone to school. Everybody got stone faced silent when my mom started talking, she had taken a bottle of pills, and was killing herself that morning. My teacher sat there in stunned silence, when my mom hung up the phone on me, all he did was apologize repeatedly. I picked my phone back up and called the police and sent them to my mothers house. After i finished the phone call with the cops, I sat back down in my seat and told the teacher to get back to the lesson. I knew she was depressed, but nothing like that. I kept a tough face at school, but when I got home I broke down hard. It was a lot to handle at the time, now it's very hard for me to admit it, but I don't care anymore. Over the past two years my mother has said and done so many horrible things to me and the people I care about and has used her suicide threats as a crutch to get away with it. I recently got into a fight with her after she accused Katie "my ex" of some incredibly outlandish things, like getting multiple abortions and whoring around, and a few other things that are completely impossible. After that fight she realized that i don't care about her death threats any more. Since then she has straightened up her act and realized that I have lost all my respect for her, she will lose a son if she doesn't fix her attitude. I suppose that's a small up point in this entire post, I kinda sorta fixed things with my mom.
Things have been pretty grim, the depression from being alone has sunken in so bad, I spend most of my days buying booze off of my older friends, skipping classes and drinking myself into a stupor. I only drag myself out of bed to go to work. I haven't been to class in over two weeks, I'm failing multiple classes, things are bad, and I realize it, I just don't have the willpower to do anything about it anymore. Going to a dead end fast food job is the only highlight of my week, the people there are pretty cool, I'm friends with a couple of them, but we all live so far apart we don't see each other outside of work.
That pretty well sums up my home life and most of why I'm depressed. There's a lot of stuff to write about my relationship issues, so I guess I'll just keep going and cut some stuff out for the sake of space. So there is a girl, lets call her Lynn for the sake of anonymity it's a small world and you never know.
Well I first met Lynn 5 years ago, and things were pretty good, we obviously liked each other, we even kissed a few times. I didn't think much of it at all at the time, it was a summer break crush. We stayed in contact every once in a while, and we became really close over the next couple of years. We were never single at the same time, so nothing ever came of our relationship. We both knew we like each other, and any person who ever spent time around the two of us has said they see us getting together. The feelings are mutual, but it's just a very weird situation that's incredibly hard to describe because I don't fully understand it myself. We are both committed people to the relationships we keep. She currently has a boyfriend, so we don't currently talk a whole lot. Back when I was dating Katie, we split for a couple weeks near the beginning of our relationship and Lynn wanted to date me at the time cause for a couple weeks we were both single, me being the idiot that I am, got back with Katie because I was terrified of being alone. I was to stupid to realize that I actually had a shot at being with Lynn for the first time. yeah I liked Katie, but Lynn has grown so close to my heart over the years, she is the first one in my heart, and always was. I never fully realized it until recently when a friend of mine was talking to me about it all.
So that's the short version of it all to be honest. I guess if you want to know more just ask, I don't really have a lot to hide. I spend all my time watching streams to at least have some kind of noise and people to talk to, which is why I spend so much time here at the cohhlition, everybody is great and nice. So i guess that's why I'm posting this, so hopefully somebody will at least read it. I just needed to throw it all off my chest for a bit, at least a little.